[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it