H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
#dalle2
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes