I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache