Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Happy Taco Tuesday
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*