Happy Taco Tuesday
You Might Also Like
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany