Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.