My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.