I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Best seat on the street 😍
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes