The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.