I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.