I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.