Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*