I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Has there ever been a more American story?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?