Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I feel this so hard
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.