I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Jogging
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital