I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it