me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Well, that didn’t work.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
cat vs inanimate object
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality