Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.