Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Taliband
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*limbos under the caution tape
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Print is alive and well!!!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.