Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Customize Your Wedding.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Ironic
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker