Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
You Might Also Like
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
When someone trying to leave me
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon