Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Okay me first
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.