Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.