[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard