[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]