The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.