The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Not😆🤣
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok