Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.