Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You Might Also Like
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
How to wake up a Beagle
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
He’s cranky this morning
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?