I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
one last job
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Free him
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Leaving the Barbers like
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area