Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what