Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
don’t we all
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly