“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊