I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.