I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth