Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
*ernest hemingway voice*
this is the best interaction on twitter
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.