*ernest hemingway voice*
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now