My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff