BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The biggest mystery of our time
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Does this dress make me look cat?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]