I…do not understand how electricity works.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Dishonest mechanic?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan