Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
how it started vs how it ended
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.