Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
the three branches of government
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Friday
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.