[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

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[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?


DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent


Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now


I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.


WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*