[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.