[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?