Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can鈥檛 abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Don鈥檛 judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Best seat on the street 馃槏
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren鈥檛 real
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.