Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?