Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now