all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.