all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Your honor these allegations are
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I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.