I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
You Might Also Like
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.