Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened