I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean