I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Never ghost your hitman.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.