If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
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Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?