I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Succinctly put.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.